Think Deep Live Deep

This one really hit home. It is a midrash from Bereisheit Rabbah (56:11) which Rav Schorr mentions in connection with the ten tests of Avraham. And it hit home because at one and the same time it was disturbing to read, and yet I also found it resonating somewhere within me. The Midrash is a response to the oath that Hashem made to Avraham after the akeidah, and it explains the oath by way of a mashal (a parable). There was a king who married a woman. They have a son together. And then he divorced her. Another son. Another divorce. The process keeps repeating. A son, and then a divorce, a son and then a divorce. Ten times. Until finally, after the tenth time, the woman comes to the king with all her sons and asks him to swear that he will never divorce her again. So too, says the midrash, Avraham came to Hashem, after the akeidah, at the end of the tenth test, and asked Him never to be tested again.

What is this Midrash trying to tell us? Not that Hashem divorced Avraham, of course. Rav Schorr is quick to point out, we are never abandoned at any time by Hashem. Hashem’s hashgacha is a constant. Instead, this midrash is an expression of the human emotions that go along with being tested.  What it is expressing, in very strong language, is that there can be a very real feeling of distance, even abandonment, that can come with being tested.

The reason for this is that every test is really a process of creation. It is the process by which we create ourselves. Rav Schorr describes this in relationship to Avraham by saying that at the moment that Avraham was born into the world, there existed two Avrahams. There was the Avraham that existed in actuality, a young child in the world. And there was, connected to him, a set of tremendous kochot, strengths, which were Avraham Avinu in potential. The greatness of Avraham was that through the tremendous challenges of his life he brought the potential Avraham fully into existence in this world. Each of the ten tests of Avraham was part of this process, the process of creating Avraham Avinu as an actual reality in our world.

Each of us is also born with a unique set of kochot. We each have the ability to create ourselves through the process of our lives. However, the creation process is a process that requires us to stand on our own. Before Hashem created our world, our Chachamim tell us there was a process of tzimtzum, a process by which Hashem constrained our ability to feel our unity with Hashem. In this way Hashem created an Olam, a world, where His Presence is hidden so that we have a space to express ourselves and to exist. Intrinsic to the process of being able to express ourselves is a certain amount of distance from our Creator.

The Midrash Tanchuma (Vayera 22) says, “The last test was like the first test.” All of Avraham’s tests were connected, and they were all an experience of “lech lecha.” What was Hashem saying to Avraham when He told him, “lech lecha”?

Rashi says lech lecha means “go, for your benefit, for your good.” But Rav Schorr adds that it can also mean, “go into yourself.” Growth means revealing within ourselves that which we weren’t really fully aware of. Like Avraham, we all have a bank of potential strength that we haven’t tapped into yet. Rav Schorr points out that it is often at the exact moment that Hashem wants us to tap into our kochot that He may pull back. This is not because, G-d forbid, He is any less close to us, but because He wants us to reach into ourselves, and learn to stand on our own. Hashem said the words “lech lecha” to Avraham, but He wrote them in the Torah because they are addressed to us as well. The spiritual process of lech lecha, of going into our selves, can sometimes feel like a step into the abyss. Hashem told Avraham to leave his homeland, the place where he was born, his father’s house, all the things that bring comfort. When we want to grow, we sometimes have to step way out of our comfort zone. And that is a leap of faith. We may feel like we don’t have the strength, the ability, the fortitude. We may feel alone and too small for the task.

The comfort I get from this Midrash is that this is all part of the process. The message I hear from this piece of Torah is that in the times when we feel most challenged, the message from Hashem is “lech lecha.” Go into yourself. Find your inner strength. You are stronger than you know. I created you stronger than you know.”  If Hashem is standing back, it’s because He knows we can stand on our own.

Now, this is not an easy process. At the end of the process, at the end of the tenth test, the Midrash says that Avraham asked Hashem to swear that He would not test him again. None of us like to face challenges, but we are living in a world that is full of them. Facing things we have never faced before, we can feel alone and abandoned. Somehow, I find it comforting to know that this is part of the plan. It’s an illusion of separation, not the real thing. Hidden in the distance we feel is a message from Hashem. “Lech lecha.” Go into yourself and find your hidden strength. Go for yourself. It’s for your own good.

I would like to send a shout-out to my daughter Sara, and my good friend Faigy, two insightful women who really helped me refine my thoughts for this post, and whose perspectives are reflected above. I would love to hear any thoughts you might have, as well!